The Confessions Of A Looter By Abiola Akintunde

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As at the time I am writing this, I am writing to voice out my dissatisfaction on the way I am being criticized by you; the people, especially those of you that have decided to witch-hunt me and soiled my well-guarded reputed name veiled with uncommon integrity. As usual, I know you would have been tarnishing the just polished and transformed identity I presented to you.
Anyway as usual, I’m not angry, I just wished you ‘social media club of government attackers’ could go to my cash depot and collect your share of national cake to keep quiet and if you don’t want it in cash, we can do you an additional favour of giving it in form of contract.

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Yes, I can give you that only if you will sell your conscience and sheaths your sword of liberty for the token I will give you and forget those penurious peasants.
Moreover, even if all of you are ten thousand in number, I can conveniently give you ten million naira each which the lawmakers and supposed voice of the people will gladly consent to it as part of budget allocation. Mind you,we can make it a yearly pay day for you and you need not to worry for there is money. No! Do not even think of asking those questions like; if there is money why did I refused to agree with those tertiary teachers so that our students can simply go back to school, as the answer is as simple as one plus one, there is no money and that is all.
I do know you will ask me who I am? Do not worry for your guess is as correct as the destructive existence of the corruption I have failed to attempt to fight and I have only succeeded in creating a more fertile ground for it to be more culturalised. My name is Embezzler Jerome; the leader of the free company of the most resiliently enduring and appreciably suffering people with melanin as a content in their skin.
The cause of their suffering is our looting spree and we are not sorry for it, as we never cared about the people but the treasury. If you can not use your imagination to understand my identity and personality, then it is too bad as you can never be freed from this suffering I forced down your throat alongside my co-looters of other culture, religion and ethnicity. I don’t have to reiterate anything for I have nothing to offer you and there is nothing you can do as I have my “eso (guards)” which I picked amongst you and pay to protect me against you.
Don’t even think about it, he can be your sibling but he will be the one to kill you extra-judicially without even ordering him to do so for his mind has been enslaved as yours by your aspirations to become rich without working but by looting the purse of the people like you see us do, dream on boy.
I and my friends that have continued to loot the treasury of your so-called fatherland can’t protect ourselves but we have got you and as such we need not to worry unless you have been enlightened , but how can you be? When we have destroyed every informal and formal source of education, when you are too busy making a living out of struggle and fighting to keep your sick loved ones from dying since I have denied the physicians that will see them their meal. What I read these days are so funny though, that I am so sure I am not being addressed.
For example “… In making sure that our leader have an overriding aim of a good, sound, utilitarian and constructive interest of his people in mind as his number one priority can not be accomplished by…” When I saw this, I laugh because I do not understand how these people still think I am their leader even when I never regarded myself as a leader but a looter, and they proud themselves as the best scammer in global scam city or should I say most religious while they can’t even discern a looter from a leader.
I shouldn’t be saying all these anyway but why should I care, they can’t fight me, they can’t protest my decisions and wait for me to react as they are afraid of ‘bajinatu’ since extrajudicial killing is almost as normal as corruption is.
More so, I’ve successfully killed, nay murdered education which is a vital instrument of freedom for it is the educated that are raw materials from which innovators, radicals, reformers, agitators, and revolutionaries are made for the better of the society. Do I hear you cursing me for not handling the issue of terrorism? Well, what else do you want me to do apart from what you’ve been seeing.
If you are attacked I will pity you but unfortunately I am not Uhuru Kenyatta, I won’t be able to dignify your deaths with national mourning days. Yes! I just scared you, for fear is the only thing that keep you at bay with the exception of religion. Hahahaha! These people are afraid of earthly death and heavenly death, so they prefer earthly suffering. Thank God I and my co-looters do pay our tithes (saka) regularly with our offerings also, all to provide the people with those teachings of hell, sin, and wrath of God.
Oh! How will I forget my purpose of worry which is my co-looters trying to remove me from this exalted sit of Grand Commander of looters, what they don’t know is that we need to continue to unite our ranks as we have been doing in the past irrespective of our culture, tradition, religion and ethnicity to loot these people into total penury. They do not know we have to keep them disunited, afraid and envious of us. The people will continue to divide upon themselves if they are aspiring to be as rich as we are from looting and they appreciate this class difference as they want to oppress others as we do oppress them.
How will we be able to loot, loot and loot if we don’t promote corruption within the people for that is the only way to cloth our wrongs with the cloth of righteousness. These people have some leaders that are now clamoring for dialogue table which can be dangerous to our looting spree and I shouldn’t agree to it at any instances but I will handle it by commandeering how the dialogue will go to preserve, protect and defend our permanent interest; LOOTING. Where is this my town crier?
I wished to inform him before I go to sleep not to inform the people about all I have written and said for it can crumble my tenure if the people understands perfectly well all I have written and could be courageous to confront my government. This could prevent me or my son to continue governing them which is my clan birthright. It didn’t crumble during the years of my uncle (would have preferred father) in ota and that of the days of my brother from north.

The writer is on Twitter as @Aabiolat.

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